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I wore a short dress to our next meeting without opaque tights. I could see on his face the minute he saw my leg.

They filled in the divots and cut out some of the most obvious scars. Of course many scars are still very obvious. But I no longer feel the need to protect others by covering up my leg.

How I felt about my leg is how I felt for years about my body: obligated to protect the world from its repugnance. Fat was worse than being ugly.

It was being deformed in a way that made people queasy. Sadly, losing weight only reinforced my belief that I had been grotesque when fat.

People did not just compliment me on looking better, their entire opinion of me—my intellect, morality, and competence—changed.

I was suddenly smarter, funnier, more reliable, better at my job, a fashionista, and above all, far more credible. People who had previously ignored me, suddenly realized that I existed.

Those who had quietly mocked me began to wonder if maybe I had a few redeeming virtues. I basked in the new positive attention.

I believed that I had rehabilitated and redeemed myself by losing weight. All of my other efforts and achievements, the work I had done in all of the other areas of my life, all seemed to be eclipsed by weight loss.

I gave myself no credit for all of the therapy that I had done to overcome my abusive childhood and experiences with sexual violence.

In addition, I had found an effective treatment for my depression, earned a college degree, and I was thriving professionally.

I had even forced my fibromyalgia and other pain conditions into remission with lots of physical therapy, surgery, and medication.

Despite all of the intensely challenging and worthwhile work I had done, what had conferred acceptability on me was the fact that I was now within the parameters of a normal weight.

It was the outward evidence that I was now an emotionally well-balanced, productive, and worthwhile human being. For the first time in my life, I felt confident, competent, and yes, sexy.

So you can imagine what happened when I hit a health glitch, when I could no longer undertake the strenuous exercise that was keeping me acceptable in my own eyes and those of others.

As the weight began to creep back, my opinion of myself began to drop—precipitously. I became invisible in public again.

People I worked with once again considered me less competent, less smart, less credible. I became dismissible.

I crawled back into the sackcloth of plus-sized clothes, resigned to the asexuality they imposed. I stopped relishing my food, enjoying my body, aspiring to health.

I was mired in that state of fat-hatred when the erotic fat pictures began showing up in my feed. At first, I was seriously tempted to unsubscribe to the feeds of the women who posted them.

But I liked the other things that they posted too much to do that. So I braced myself to look at the flesh of other fat women. I could not continue to judge the other women as I judged myself—with fear and loathing.

And so I had to find a way to be kind in my thoughts toward them. The phase of effortful kindness lasted for several months.

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It had been crushed in a car accident. So not only was it crisscrossed by scars, but there were several sickening hollows in places where bone should have been and mounds that spoke of clear deformity.

During those years, I felt obligated to protect the sensibility of others by keeping that leg under wraps.

The one time that I willfully displayed my leg was when one of my supervisors was critical because I did not take the stairs.

I wore a short dress to our next meeting without opaque tights. I could see on his face the minute he saw my leg. They filled in the divots and cut out some of the most obvious scars.

Of course many scars are still very obvious. But I no longer feel the need to protect others by covering up my leg.

How I felt about my leg is how I felt for years about my body: obligated to protect the world from its repugnance. Fat was worse than being ugly.

It was being deformed in a way that made people queasy. Sadly, losing weight only reinforced my belief that I had been grotesque when fat.

People did not just compliment me on looking better, their entire opinion of me—my intellect, morality, and competence—changed.

I was suddenly smarter, funnier, more reliable, better at my job, a fashionista, and above all, far more credible. People who had previously ignored me, suddenly realized that I existed.

Those who had quietly mocked me began to wonder if maybe I had a few redeeming virtues. I basked in the new positive attention.

I believed that I had rehabilitated and redeemed myself by losing weight. All of my other efforts and achievements, the work I had done in all of the other areas of my life, all seemed to be eclipsed by weight loss.

I gave myself no credit for all of the therapy that I had done to overcome my abusive childhood and experiences with sexual violence. In addition, I had found an effective treatment for my depression, earned a college degree, and I was thriving professionally.

I had even forced my fibromyalgia and other pain conditions into remission with lots of physical therapy, surgery, and medication.

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